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My World...
musings and ramblings
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6th-Apr-2011 07:52 pm - failing....
Why do I feel like a perpetual failure at work? I am no longer in the spotlight, I am under a heat lamp...even though I didn't do anything.

I just want to go back to the place where I was a shining star and I walked on water. I think I just need one person to tell me I am good at something...one word of encouragement...

I read my own writing and it seems so childish to feel the way that I do, but I can't help but feel this way.

I'm going to talk to my doctor about switching meds...
28th-Mar-2011 12:21 am(no subject)
I'm really feeling depressed. I fucked up at work again...

I just wish I could do something right, or at least feel like I can do something right.

I feel awful and I want to crawl into a hole.

I think my medications are interacting again.
9th-Mar-2011 10:00 pm(no subject)
Tired.  Oh so tired.  Can barely think straight.
7th-Mar-2011 10:11 am(no subject)
It's been an interesting week.  I just realized I hadn't posted in a while.

Finally had some days off work which were really good for me.  My mom came up for a day, which was the perfect amount of time.

I have been realizing lately that my bi-sexuality (which is a secret to everyone except the people in my gender studies class) is actually leaning more towards lesbianism.  I'm not really sure how to react to this, hell, I don't even know how I feel about it right now.  I think it will take some time before I am ready to deal with this in the forefront of my life.  It's not that I'm devestated or anything like that, I just don't know how I feel right now and that's okay.
26th-Feb-2011 01:24 am(no subject)

I got my phone yesterday, got it all ready and programmed!  Then this morning, I dropped it in a puddle of water.  Fried the phone- had to miss class to go to the tech store and get it fixed.  They temporarily fixed it, but ordered me a replacement, which should arrive tomorrow.  Frustrating.  And I missed my philosophy class because of it.

I'm struggling in my philosophy class.  I'm not used to thinking like a philosopher- and just when I think that I have a handle on the material, it turns out I'm missing something which throws everything out of whack again.  I'll be happy with a B in the course, but I really want an A.

Test today went well.  I think  I got a pretty easy A.  I might have missed one or two multiple choice questions, but that's about it.  Then I came to work.  I'm filling in for someone this week so I will not be off until Thursday and Friday, but at least they are accomodating my school schedule so that's nothing really to complain about. 

I took a nap today but I'm still tired.  Going to bed as soon as I get off work. 

24th-Feb-2011 01:55 am(no subject)
Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiireeed.....going home in about a half hour...good day otherwise.  The work issue is all  over and straightened out.  Things are bright and shiny once again.
23rd-Feb-2011 12:27 pm - A fine line
There is a fine line between concern and obsession.  I am not on that line.  I am on one side of it, but I'm not sure which side.  I'm thinking probably obsession...how do I make it stop?
23rd-Feb-2011 12:47 am - Not to bad...not to bad at all...
I went to Evan's last night.  When I get there, he was folding laundry so I helped him.  Nothing says I love you more than folding a man's whitey tighty's.  We cuddled and had a beer and had sex and cuddled some more.  It was nice being with him.  I really missed him.  We talked again about me leaving for grad school.  He doesn't want me to go.  He can't go with me....that's too much change for him, but he doesn't want me to leave either. He isn't pressuring me or anything, and I don't feel obligated to stay, I just feel sad that he will be sad when I leave.  I don't want to have to deal with it when the time comes, but I guess that's part of being a grown up.

Work is going okay.  Still haven't heard anything....still waiting...

Got a lot of homework done and will be doing it non-stop until the semester ends...
21st-Feb-2011 01:58 pm(no subject)
Morning classes were cancelled...which means the mid-term I had scheduled for Wednesday in my morning class has been moved to Friday!  I get so much more time to study...which is probably good because I haven't really been paying much attention in class...

I have the night off and, if it stops snowing, I am planning on going down to see Evan.   I haven't seen him in a while so I am sure that the sex will be brief, but it will be nice to be held by someone.  It's really been a while and although I usually fill my time with thoughts of studying and work and my anti-anxitey meds pretty much eliminate my sex drive, it will still be nice to be with someone.  I just don't know how long it will last, particularly since he wont leave with me when I go to grad school.  I just hope he will find happiness someday.  If not with me, with someone else, but that will require him being able to let something go, which is not his strong suit.  Anyway, I'll post how it went tomorrow.

As for now, I am hopefully going to finish my online chat session with tech support for my computer issues and then go to class.

19th-Feb-2011 09:14 pm(no subject)
Not a bad day today.  Still waiting to hear what the fallout, if anything, will be with the work issue.  I hate waiting, but there really isn't anything they will do.  I wont lose my job or get demoted, the most that will happen is a written warning.  Everything is totally out of my hands now.

Slept all night, then got my hair cut, got some healthy food for lunch and dinner, came home and took a nap.  It's kinda been a lazy day.  My days off are Sunday and Monday so I'm looking forward to a couple more.

Going to see Evan on Monday night.  It's been so long since our schedules worked that we could actually get together.  I'm excited- maybe we will make some dinner or something.  That would be nice.

That's about it....Nothing else going on.  I'm not feeling so heavy and sad today, but I still don't feel 100%.

Probably going to jam to  Krik Franklin later :)
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